Sunday, August 08, 2010

Dismal Wretched Bliss

in anticipation of the New World Order ::::::::::

As the world awakens to startling news, tumult:

“. . . nouncement coming out of a government laboratory that is sure to shake things up.”

“That’s right. Apparently everybody’s been wrong about something we all took for granted. Who could imagine that two and two is anything but four? That’s old-school thinking now. Unless you’re up to arguing with the government’s new RBC, the Really Big Computer, you better get used to the idea that two and two is really . . . five.

“Great. I'm supposed to balance my checkbook now?”

The cohosts cut their titters short.

“For more on this remarkable development, let’s go to economics correspondent, Lilly Cunningham,  at the RBC facility, outside Washington D.C.” 

“Thanks, Dianne. I’m here at the RBC, the Really Big Computer, where government scientists say they’ve discovered that two and two is five. This is a . . . well, a . . . shocking . . . announcement, to say the least. It’s hard to believe, but the proof is solid, according to Dr. Anton Wilson, who oversees the RBC facility. He says it all comes down to a deeper understanding of numbers.”

A prerecorded Wilson explains.

“Ve haf taken great care to check our results, and ze accuracy of ze program has been verified by ze uhzer government computers, and at zis point ve are completely confident of our results. Ve realize zat zis discovery vil haf fundamental consekvences for our society, und ve are now sharing zis invormation vis ze public so zat ve can begin ze process of a smooze transition to ze new arismatik.”

As the news spreads, it ignites waves of disbelief. The president addresses a befuddled nation when he goes before the cameras that evening.

“Last night, I conferred with top advisers in the White House and the Pentagon about a remarkable discovery made at the RBC, the Really Big Computer. And based on those discussions I authorized the technical staff in charge of the RBC to begin informing the public about those discoveries. I know that today was a confusing day for many of you. But, by uncovering a longstanding error in simple arithmetic, Dr. Anton Wilson and his team at the RBC have made a valuable contribution to the knowledge of mankind. We owe them our thanks.”

The president summarizes the research and spreads more kudos, then gets to the point.

“. . . therefore I am establishing a new cabinet-level department, the Department of Arithmetic Security. This department will serve the critical function of ensuring for the nation the numerical integrity of all calculations, scientific, financial, and those involved in the serious enterprise of . . .”

He pretends to get lost in his speech, pretends to find his place, then continues.

“. . . student homework.”

The punch line falls flat. He continues.

“Electronic files containing numerical operations not sanctioned by the Department of Arithmetic Security may be seized as evidence of hostile intent. This precaution might seem extreme, but I am asking all Americans, as a matter of public safety and security, to cooperate fully with their local authorities. Maintaining the integrity of public records is essential, as the experts implement the changes that will be required, if we are to prevail during this time of transition.”

The president takes questions from virtual reporters, their pixilated, shimmering faces moving in sequence in small on-screen pop-up windows.

“Mister President, this is truly unbelievable. How could people have gotten it so wrong for so long? Come on, two and two is four. Is this really a . . . .”

“I don’t think there’s much to gain by looking back. No doubt, mistakes were made, and in due time historians will sort it out. My concern it with the future, ensuring a safe, secure America for all of our citizens, er . . . residents.”

He drinks from his water glass

“Mister President, you mentioned the Pentagon. What’s the military side of this situation?”

“Certainly, there are those who might take advantage of the situation, or try to, by spreading rumors that our defenses are compromised. Cyberterrorism is one possibility, to be sure, during the switchover of national security and intelligence records. There will be multiple challenges for the Defense Department and the intelligence community related to this transition, but I have full confidence in our military leaders and know that they will . . . .”

The president falls into a familiar folksy drone, and, a few questions and answers later, the news conference ends. The television networks’ reassuring personalities step in then to frame the situation.

“The president exuded a commanding calm as he confirmed for the American people what many of us had heard only this morning. Don’t you think, Herbert? ”

“That’s right, Walker. He had to quell fears and reassure the public that a plan is in place to deal with the ‘new math.’ As far as numbers go, I guess it’s a whole new ballgame.”

“I’ll tell you what, Herbert, if anyone has trouble with the new numbers, they can always ask a kid for help. Two and two? Three and three? Who knows anymore?”

The topic of the new, official arithmetic instantly becomes a stock of partisan talk. The political Right, at home on radio since Hitler, offers firebrands, such as airwave celebrity Lush Rimbaud, to feed a public hungry for his stylized brand of exasperated indignation.

“. . . is just more government intrusion. If you love big government, then fine, let them roll right over you. But I say, let the market decide whether two and two is five, six, seven, or eight—or ninety six and a half! We don’t need big government telling us how to add up numbers. This is ridiculous—more Big Brother bureaucracy from Washington. I’m sick of it.

Jane, go ahead.”

“Doritos, Lush. Let me tell you, the nanny-state has gone too far this time. My son is in the fifth grade, and he’s put a lot of work into his science fair display and, I think—but, of course, it doesn’t matter what the parents think . . . .”

“You got that right. If your kid is in a public school, kiss your rights as a parent GOOD-BYE. But go ahead. What about this science fair thing?”

“Well, my son spent days making this display for the science fair. He did a lot of research and decided to challenge this two and two thing. He says it’s four and that he can prove it. Well, the teacher flunked him!! Flunked him on the project. Kept him out of the fair. Can you believe it? She said it was a science fair, not a fantasy fair! What does that mean? Lush, I can’t believe it . . . .”

“I can believe it. This is exactly what big government is about. And, while we’re at it, how about those elections and juries? We know they don’t work, but the government keeps wasting our hard-earned money on these frivolous . . . .”

One end of the political spectrum has to be balanced by an equal volume of gas from the other end. The haughty Left finds its voice on TV. Perhaps as an echo of Murrow’s deflation of McCarthy, Leech Olderman appeals to horse sense and propriety, but pontificates with a high-mindedness that verges on camp.

“. . . sure the deniers are out there . . . on the loony fringe. These are the same people who imagine a wary God planting fossils to test our faith. Guess what folks—the Earth goes around the sun. Some knuckle-draggers thrashing around in the hinterelands will always cling to the old ways. But it’s time to get with the program, people, two and two is five. At some point, you gotta wake up and smell the algebra.

“Here’s a clip from last night, Focks News’ Bilbo Rily spewing bile on his poor viewers. Take it, Bilbo.”

Bilbo’s image, intentionally distorted for sinister effect, appears and speaks with overwrought earnestness.

“If this new numbering scheme is legit, how about turning over the program? Where’s the software? We don’t know how the RBC figured this thing out. Maybe it’s got a bug. Computers get viruses, you know. But this president refuses to make the program public. What are you afraid of, Mr. President? Daylight? Transparency? Put it on the Internet!”

Olderman returns onscreen and stifles a snicker.

“So, now Bilbo knows more than the world’s smartest computer? Ya. Stick with tic tac toe, Bilbo, and you might not hurt yourself. Do you really think it’s a good idea to politicize arithmetic, make simple counting some kind of partisan debate? There’s word for what would ensue. Try anarchy. Get your head on straight, my fellow. You make yourself look the fool.”

A populist movement ousts the president in the next election, and the manufactured spokesmodel for the Left is replaced by a manufactured spokesmodel from the Right. Policies remain unchanged, but Rimbaud turns his script around and starts telling listeners that all good gun-loving, dope-hating patriots aiming for Heaven better support the new president. Olderman flips over his script, too, and warns that the new president’s numerical policies were crafted by corporate lobbyists and that the country is looking like a soviet-style surveillance society on the verge of being equipped with gulags and torture dens for numerical dissenters.

A mathematicosocietal shift ensues during the following months. The grand delusion of the new arithmetic works its way deeper into the public consciousness. Public service announcements give the new policies a fashionable cachet, with the “Five Is The New Four” and “You Deserve More Than Four” campaigns. Commercial advertisers try to exploit the zeitgeist with sloganeering. A dieting club promises, “It All Adds Up To a New You.” A tax preparer tries, “We’ll Put Your New World In Order.” A cult of Roman numeral revivalists pops up.

The children pose a sticky problem for policy enforcers. They tend to point out the emperor’s new clothes. They say the darndest things about how numbers add up. The problem registers and is dealt with.

“. . . now a tragic story with a promising ending. Young Angelina Putto was just five years old when she developed a problem with numbers. As we see too often these days, it was one number in particular that caused her problems. That number, you’ve probably guessed, was four, and little Angelina was addicted to the idea that it’s the sum of two and two. Angelina’s not alone in fighting this lingering problem among the young. But a new state-funded program involving a breakthrough drug, Penterol, is helping Angelina and thousands like her . . . .”

Months melt into years, and lives return more or less to normal as the number jumble settles. Emboldened by the success of their project to disarm the public, to nurture the public gullibility—a project codenamed Operation One-For-The-Money—the Controllers move on to Operation Two-For-The-Show. On a fateful morning the country awakens to a startling announcement from the White House.

“Emergency legislation drafted last night by the Congress arrived on my desk this morning, and, thanks to the hard work of our legislators, I was able to sign into law the Federal Reserve Command Act, which establishes a new entity to serve the public, the Federal Reserve Command. The chartering of this new corporation was deemed necessary by the Congress and by my staff to ensure that military decisions vital to our continued security can be made in an environment free of political interference. 

Our defense forces deserve a strong and independent strategic command that is not subject to the partisan maneuverings and pork-barrel favoritism that all too often infect political decision making. Chartered as a private corporation, the Federal Reserve Command will be staffed by private-sector professionals drawn from the areas of military and law enforcement strategy, high-tech, and command operations. The new corporation’s governing board will consist of executives from Boeing, Halliburton, General Dynamics, Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman, Raytheon, Xe Services and other experienced partners of our uniformed military . . . .”

This announcement produces no notable response from the public. Delighted by the ease with which they can subvert checks and balances, the Controllers roll out Operation Three-To-Get-Ready. The president addresses the public.

“Today I am pleased to announce that I have signed into law the Federal Reserve Farming Act, which establishes a new regulatory body, Farm Fed, that will be responsible for overseeing production of all products intended for human or animal consumption. This new regulatory authority is necessary to ensure that all Americans retain access to ample, available, and safe sources of food. Farm Fed will operate as a private corporation, independently of the federal government. Chartering Farm Fed as a private corporation frees its professionals to pursue their watchdog responsibilities without political interference.

“Although the creation of this new authority is an important step toward the goal of safeguarding the public food supply, Farm Fed’s scope will extend beyond the nation’s field crops and stockyards. It also will oversee the nation’s bioengineering laboratories. It is critical for our country’s security and economic competitiveness that the proprietary intellectual property of our bioengineering innovators and entrepreneurs be protected. Bio-pirating remains a threat to the food supply and must be dealt with decisively. Toward that end Farm Fed will enforce patents covering genetically modified organisms and will be responsible for issuing all crop seeds.

“Seeds not issued by Farm Fed will be considered contraband and their possession a federal offense. Now, I understand that home gardeners and hobby farmers will not appreciate this new arrangement. But we simply cannot allow individuals to threaten the health of the entire nation by growing unregulated plants whose seeds or pollen might contaminate newly engineered field crops.
“I believe strongly that without the meddlesome intrusions of government, Farm Fed, as a private corporation, will best be able to execute its mission according to the highest standards of public service. Therefore, and especially to protect proprietary interests, Farm Fed will set its policies in secret, out of the distorting glare of the public spotlight. To ensure the success of Farm Fed, I am appointing to the governing board a team of seasoned agribusiness executives who have an intimate technical understanding of food research, production, processing and distribution.”

He goes on to name to the board various executives from Monsanto, Tyson, Cargill, ConAgra, ADM and the like. Some months later the public awakens to yet another White House announcement, the public side of Operation Four-To-Go.

“During the challenging months that have led up to today’s announcement, many of us in public service have observed a dimming of the American spirit. Ours is a nation wrestling with its soul. The lingering economic crisis, foreign wars, and natural disasters have taken a toll on the hearts and minds of the American people. And public opinion polls bear out this worrisome perception. Into this situation have stepped charlatans, offering reassurances that they cannot deliver. Dangerous cults have taken root and are tearing apart the spiritual foundations on which our country was founded.
“We in public service, whom the American people have entrusted with positions of authority, must act to address these troubling developments. To attack the problem of creeping spiritual malaise, today I have signed into law the Federal Reserve Church Act, which establishes a new regulatory institution, a strong and independent religious oversight watchdog panel. The Federal Reserve Church is chartered with ensuring that all Americans are free to conduct their spiritual affairs in a wholesome faith-based environment. The Federal Reserve Church will ensure that religious institutions do not take on excessive risk in their theological doctrines.

“Mindful of the important tradition of church and state separation, we have chartered the Federal Reserve Church specifically as a private corporation outside of the federal government. Given this status, it will not be subjected to partisan politicking, nor to legal formalities that constrain the federal government, such as financial audits.” 

Just as he starts wrapping up, something goes wrong. Hackers intercept the president’s teleprompter script and edit his concluding remarks. Unwary, the president continues.

“. . . because each and every American is a valued contributor to our great enterprise, rest assured that we whom you have entrusted with supreme authority will care for and protect you. We will continue to do everything we can to secure our comprehensive control over your lives. We are determined to do everything possible to ensure that you remain forever . . . our obedient . . . slaves . . . .”

Taken aback by his own words, the president stops, looks around, and his face goes pale. The broadcast audience hears silence and then,

“. . . . WHAT!? WHAT!? Cut!! Son of a bitch! Who put that . . . . Cut the mic . . . . Oh, shit! . . . .”

The next day a new commercial blitzes across the media landscape.

“TriCorp brings the three branches of government together into one convenient service center, to better serve you, the citizen consumer. No more drawn-out procedures slowing things down. No more confusing checks and balances, no more doubletalk getting in the way of maximal efficiency. That’s right, the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial functions of government have been streamlined and brought together under one virtual roof. Now ask yourself, what did the government ever do right in the first place . . . ?”

“TriCorp. A division of Royal Monarch Enterprises."


  1. Beautifully Written and very amusing Heresiarch. I'm sure to return to this blog.